This is to inform the people of our country of the nightmares one faces when one becomes disabled through no fault of their own. I cannot tell the stories of everyone, thus I can only share my story, though there are many like mine; all which come with their own set of circumstances, but with similar results when attempting to obtain disability benefits.
I am a 38 year old single mother of two children. At one time, I considered myself a survivor of a horrible childhood filled with emotional neglect, physical and sexual abuse, and a horribly flawed foster care system. My entire life, I’ve had to struggle to achieve each and every goal and most times, if I did reach a goal, I barely was able. It wasn’t for lack of trying, rather, my emotional state by the time I reached adulthood was shattered at best. I was failed by my birth parents, the foster care system, and the agency responsible for allowing me to be adopted by a woman who did not hesitate to violate me in the cruelest and most private way imaginable. Now, I simply exist, struggling like I never have struggled before simply to make it through a day, or sometimes, even one hour.
Immediately after high school, I attempted college, but failed miserably and dropped out after one year. I then enlisted in the Army, taking a job as an air traffic controller. Due to my emotional issues, and my lack of ability to maintain any self control, I was forced to receive a discharge from the Army. I’d just gotten married, and had two children, but I failed in my attempts to be a wife and a mother, and ultimately lost my husband and both my children to another woman.
I went off the deep end, had two more children- my children with me now- but their fathers are both absent due to my bad choices. I’m in danger of losing these children as well due to my lack of ability to care for them the way they deserve, and my increasing mental instability.
I did manage to hold a single job for ten years, and it was a great job. Unfortunately, I battled major depression for years, and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and some other mental issues in 2005. I then had to quit my job, but did an attempt to work, which failed when my health caused me to miss too many days of work, and I was fired on my son’s birthday after just three months back on the job. I was evicted a month before I was fired from the home in which we’d lived for ten years because I could no longer pay the rent, and lost my first ever new car- a car I’d worked very hard for. We’ve been living in a motel since then and I’ve fallen three months behind on this rent as well.
For the past two years, I’ve been pretty useless. My children have missed a lot of school, and last year, they were late so much that we had to go to court, and my daughter actually failed her grade, which she is repeating this year. We received some help via DHR, but it turned out to be the proverbial band-aid. We are doing much better, however, this school year, though we still have some improvements to make, but we’re working on it.
Thanks to a very caring close family friend, we dodged being homeless, though that danger still taunts from a near distance because that friend cannot continue to pay our way, nor do I wish anyone to carry our weight. I’ve worked since I was 17, and have always taken care of myself, save for the two years I was married.
Basically, my life has disintegrated before my eyes. Everything I’ve ever worked for, both materially and personally has all but disappeared. I’ve been in counseling on and off for most of my life because I know my mind has so many issues that it’s not within my capabilities to sort them out on my own- not anymore. The damage done to me as a child is still strong and, coupled with bipolar disorder, it continues to hamper my ability to function anywhere near what a normal person would. Every day I wish that weren’t so, but it is so.
My entire life, I’ve been fighting. I’ve fought the foster care system, an extremely abusive adoptive mother, my husband, my issues brought on by the thoughtless and cruel choices and actions of others, and now I’m fighting the disability system for a small monthly check for which I’ve worked hard for half of my life.
We apply for disability, promptly are denied, file for an appeal, and wait for many long months, and years. When we finally learn we have been approved, we have to wait even longer for a small sum of money while our attorneys are often paid swiftly. In the meantime, we are dealing with our illnesses, trying to keep our families together; we lose our jobs, our homes, possessions, and sometimes, our lives while we wait.
No one can ever predict an illness, and many of us couldn’t hold jobs which would afford us the opportunity to save enough money to last for years. Most people live paycheck to paycheck and when that paycheck is suddenly gone due to things which we cannot control, we suffer in so many ways. We feel a plethora of emotions when faced with a life changing illness and having to deal with the disability system: fear, frustration, anger, disgust, sadness when our lives as we knew it is gone.
I was told I was approved, yet I still am waiting for something to come in so I can pay the rent, buy much needed clothes for my children, buy a new toothbrush more than once a year, buy toilet paper, buy a second pair of jeans.
At one time, I could do all that- when I was able to work and care for myself and my family. That’s no longer a possibility for me. My choice is to work, but my mind and my body refuse to go along with my desire to continue to be a contributing, self-sufficient and productive member of this country.
I ask those in the position to make a difference to please fix the disability system so people don’t lose it all as we have been. Please fix the system because one day, it may be you in our shoes, and it’s a long, painful and very hard walk that I wouldn’t wish on a soul in this world.